


Fill In the Blank

by stupidinspaces



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Drama & Romance, Fluff, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2020-11-22 03:30:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20867471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidinspaces/pseuds/stupidinspaces
Summary: MJ tries to fill all the quiet, empty spaces with noise and superficial nonsense. It’s better than whatever comes up if he lets the quiet take over.





	1. Chapter 1

"My question is, what is your ideal type?" the girl handed the mic asks gustily, fingers putting hairs behind her ear as the rest of the audience squeals and roars in approval.

MJ adjust his bangs self-consciously, looking out the sea of excited fans from underneath the hairs falling into his eyes. It’s funny, he thinks, how interested people are in the love lives of a group of people notoriously too busy and micromanaged by their agencies to even date.

MJ squints at her. She's standing only five feet away from the stage, but the stage lights are too bright to properly make out her face. He feels wrong-footed somehow, even though they regularly get questions like this. The emcee goes to him first and he decides to go for a non-answer, "My ideal type is you guys, Aroha." 

A portion of the audience screams and he schools his face into the one he’s practiced for when he wants to look cool and unaffected. He isn’t sure he’s pulled it off as convincingly as he does in front of the bathroom mirror though; his shirt is sticking to him like a second skin but not all of the sweat can be attributed to the heat from the stage lights.

He barely registers Binnie’s answer, which is his standard answer to this question anyway, a sincere, "Someone who eats a lot and loves babies." He always answers this question shyly, as he does now: smile soft and gaze averted.

Next in line to answer is Eunwoo, who is more natural in his delivery than MJ when he says, "My type is someone who likes me for me, and who I can like back." His expression is more naturally cool too- it’s the one MJ based his on when he was practicing. 

Eunwoo is the most popular out of all of them, but it never fails to surprise him, the intense volume the audience can muster for Eunwoo. It feels like being hit by a wall of sound. To his right, Rocky laughingly puts a finger in one ear.

"Wow, that could be anyone, right?" the emcee encourages while Eunwoo smiles coyly.

Their group really lucked out, MJ thinks, to have a visual like Eunwoo, who knows how to play the audience like a fiddle. He can see the admiration in Bin’s face too. They look cool standing together, Bin and Eunwoo, tall and stylish in their leather jackets as Bin whispers something that makes Eunwoo throw his head back in laughter.

MJ mentally files away an answer similar to Eunwoo’s for future events. It’s a good investment; questions like this is always asked of them and they always make him anxious. He can’t hate on it when it’s part of the game though. Part of their job is to maintain the image of an attainable ideal boyfriend when they’re anything but. They’re just regular persons with big dreams - aside from Eunwoo, who’s irregularly out of everyone’s league - but they’re unattainable just from how busy their schedules are. They barely have time to see friends and family, let alone find time to dance around the intricacies of dating.

It’s no secret that idol life is lonely by virtue of how isolating their busy schedules are. Idols do their best to create an image that says otherwise though. On stage, performing, it’s easy to play along. When he’s on stage it’s exciting, fun, exhilarating - in those moments, it feels like it’s worth all the trouble he goes through.

MJ won't claim he was lured into the industry with false pretenses; he knew it would be like this going in, and in a way he thought his love life would be a good trade off for fame and accolades. Idol or not, the secrecy and isolation would have been the same in pursuit of his dreams anyway. He’d known from a young age that he has a great voice, and has for a long time dreamt to be famous and successful and revered for it, but in South Korea those things rarely go hand-in-hand with being openly gay.

At least as part of Astro he’s not alone in being lonely, he thinks later, watching Bin settle into using Sanha as a pillow as soon as they get seated in the van.

Bin is still so child-like in many ways, MJ thinks. Even off-camera, he often clings and drapes himself over the nearest member. MJ can sympathize with him though. They were all so young when they started training - that included MJ, no matter how much Jinjin teased him about his age. They were all wary of each other at first but with no one else to really care for them they soon became each others’ best friends, brothers, parents.

But Eunwoo, MJ thinks, as Eunwoo turns and then smiles tiredly at him when he catches MJ staring, he was always something else for MJ. He was all of that but also something else.

"Great job, everyone," Jinjin says, putting on his seatbelt. His voice is hoarse and his eyes are red-rimmed; he’d been crying again, once on stage and then two times more after getting off the stage. "I think we all really deserve this long-ass sleep we’re going to get!"

There’s a collective pause before everyone bursts out in disbelieving laughter and cheers, MJ trying to be the loudest. In the passenger seat, manager-nim is taking pictures of them like a proud dad.

"Oy, hyung, is that really all you have to say?" Sanha says, and Rocky follows up with, "I’m proud of your progress, Jinjin-hyung."

It’s a testament to how tired Jinjin is, that he gives his shortest post-concert speech yet. MJ can see it in the way he’s slumped in his seat too.

The van eventually starts moving, security having cleared the area, and MJ sinks into his seat, feels tiredness seep out of his bones. He’s grateful that he can let it out now that they have four days off ahead of them.

Well, all of them except for Eunwoo, who will have exactly one day off before rushing off to host another music show and then model for another photoshoot - a lobster brand, MJ thinks he’s endorsing this time. MJ can’t walk more than one block in Seoul without a shop or product without Eunwoo’s face all over it. Not that MJ can blame these companies for throwing their money at Eunwoo - he regularly throws his money at whatever Eunwoo’s selling too.

Still, Eunwoo must be exhausted; he looks like he’s about to nod off already, forehead pressed against the window. MJ recognizes the look on his face though, he’s satisfied.

"What are you smiling for, hyung?" Bin says suddenly, jostling MJ’s knee.

MJ laughs. Bin must have caught MJ staring at Eunwoo again. When it comes to Eunwoo, Bin is the worst combination of perceptive and protective.

"I was just thinking for our next concept we could all have the same hairstyle," MJ says, thinking quickly. It’s one of the topics they joke about a lot, a topic in the back of the mind of every idol. 

"Yeah, but whose hairstyle?" Rocky says.

"Anybody but Jinjin-hyung’s," Eunwoo says, eyes crinkling as he smiles. His comment is a nice surprise, MJ thought he would be too tired to join the conversation.

"Strike one," Jinjin says, holding up a finger threateningly.

"Okay, okay, okay," Eunwoo says, body twisting like he’s already being tickled.

"We can all do mohawks. I think we can pull off mohawks," Bin says, grinning excitedly. Eunwoo joining in has put him in a livelier mood.

"Actually," MJ says, putting on a straight face, "I was thinking we could all dye our hair white, or shave off our hair."

He’s joking, but Rocky looks genuinely horrified at that. "Shave off our hair?" 

"Let’s see who would be sexiest without hair," MJ says.

"I don’t think we should," Eunwoo says, "Jinjin-hyung’s going to look like an actual baby..."

Jinjin hangs his head before taking off his seatbelt. "That comment was two strikes," he says, before lifting himself halfway off the seat to poke mercilessly at Eunwoo’s stomach, making him squeal and beg for mercy.

Bin, right on cue, laughs and claps his hands delightedly.

The rest soon jump in with other ridiculous ideas that Sanha claims "only MJ-hyung would ever attempt."

MJ laughs, not even bothering to dispute that. From the corner of his eye, he sees that Eunwoo is done being tickled and is now taking pictures of them with his picture phone - the fancy one he bought exclusively to take pictures with. He’d bought a phone case to make it look like one of the older Kodak cameras - not that he’s even old enough to remember them being in use. Small Eunwoo things, MJ has started to think of them as, instead of what he previously just thought of as Eunwoo’s nerdy habits. There’s a disctinction between the two, one that MJ isn’t sure he’d ever be ready to voice out loud.

It’s those kind of thoughts that make MJ grateful for loud, happy moments like this, moments that keep those thoughts at bay even if just temporarily.

Of course those thoughts still come in the quiet of the night, when he’s trying to drift off to sleep and in the morning hush, during breakfast with Eunwoo. They’re the only ones up at 7am on their day offs, both creatures of habit. They eat in relative silence, MJ looking up fancam videos on his phone while Eunwoo is without his for once. Eunwoo’s eating his cereal like it’s hot soup, gingerly slurping at the milk. Another Eunwoo thing, MJ thinks, that and how he likes to eat the cereal all soggy.

MJ lets Eunwoo have his peace though he’s itching to fill the silence. He hasn’t said anything, but MJ can tell he’s not up for talking much. Bin and Eunwoo had previously joked about how little care MJ shows for the other members. Compared to the others, he knows he’s a little self-serving and reserved. He loves the members, but he’s always justified himself against their complaints with only looking out for himself. It had felt like that for a long time, how if he didn’t fight for himself then no one else would. But it must feel like this to want to care for someone, MJ thinks, watching Eunwoo slurp his way to the bottom of the bowl, to want to be considerate of another’s needs first.

It’s a weird feeling, when he hasn’t always been like this, especially not towards Eunwoo.

When MJ found out he would be joining a group, he dreamed that they would reach the top after blowing away crowds with his voice. Instead, it’s Eunwoo’s face that’s blowing them away. He’d resented Eunwoo for that when they were first starting out, but it’s hard to resent someone as hard-working and generous as Eunwoo for long. Something he’s reminded of when Eunwoo’s looking like he does now, too half-asleep to carry a conversation. 

He still looks good, though, better than when he’s wearing stage make-up even. With time, MJ learned this is not something he envies about Eunwoo, but something he admires.

He’d woken up this morning feeling satisfied with his looks in the half-light of the mirror. It was a big self-confidence boost. MJ wonders what it’s like for Eunwoo, whose features have only grown more handsome throughout the years. Eunwoo had claimed that he has days where he’s not satisfied with his looks. MJ knows it must be like that for everyone, yet he has a hard time imagining it. Even like this, barely awake and having done no beauty routine other than blink, MJ can’t imagine Eunwoo unable to charm anyone.

It must be someone special and extremely lucky, whoever captures Eunwoo’s attention. He remembers Eunwoo’s words on stage last night, "My type is someone who likes me for me and who I can like back." 

MJ’s already trying to imagine what kind of person that would be: supernaturally pretty, kind, smart, funny... Whoever it is, MJ knows she would teach him what it truly means to resent someone.

Eunwoo’s words on stage came back to MJ in a dream last night. In it, Eunwoo said them amidst thousands of screaming fans who would love to be that someone, but in his dream Eunwoo looked over at _him_ after saying them, eyes twinkling over a shared understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The anwers to their ideal types are from a Q&A at a US event iirc


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything in this fic is fictional, even their favorite ice-cream flavors. I don’t know what their favorite flavors are. Some details are ofc from irl: MJ was the last to join as a trainee; Eunwoo used to cry in the bathroom watching Rain Man, thinking of his younger brother; Astro films a series of videos called Ddoca; Eunwoo played Do Kyungseok in Gangnam Beauty; MJ and Sanha’s program.

It feels bad, admitting it even just to himself, how he felt relieved the first time he saw Eunwoo dance - badly. It was immediately after having his breath taken away by Eunwoo’s face. MJ was the last to get admitted as a trainee, having already failed at three previous auditions at two different companies. He was the last addition to their batch and the oldest of the group of trainees. At the time, the most dominant emotion he felt upon seeing Eunwoo was intimidation. MJ knew, just by looking at Eunwoo’s face, that Eunwoo was more sure to debut than him.

He almost laughed the first time he saw Eunwoo dancing stiffly to the music; he wanted to laugh out of relief and out of spite. It felt almost like vindication, when the dance teacher gave Eunwoo negative feedback. Eunwoo’s sweet smile and readiness to accept criticism endeared him to the group though, to the small group of trainees that all felt the same way MJ did at varying degrees. 

It feels especially worse, remembering those emotions now, sweating next to Eunwoo during a dance session with Rocky - who is still spinning and cartwheeling in front of the mirror, even after both and Eunwoo and MJ have collapsed on the floor. 

“I feel like it’s been some time, since I’ve been here...” Eunwoo says, a tired smile on his handsome face. “I’ve actually missed it...” MJ always figured a central part of Eunwoo’s charm is that he always looks so clean and proper, but Eunwoo looks just as appealing the way the way he does now, with his hair messed up and sweat pouring down his neck.

“It’s okay, not everyone can be too busy to dance, filming for a certain nation-wide grocery store...” MJ says. He makes his tone light, because Eunwoo actually looks guilty and nostalgic.

“I used to hate being in here, but lately I’ve actually been enjoying dancing in this place...” Eunwoo says, squinting. “It’s a pity I can’t be here with you guys more often.”

“Ah, it’s okay,” MJ says, pushing down a swell of emotion at Eunwoo’s admission, “We’re grateful for your efforts, going out there, getting Astro more attention... You’ve done great marketing for us, you know that, right? Do Kyungseok?” He tacks on the name of Eunwoo’s most beloved character at the end, just to see Eunwoo relax a little. 

He’s rewarded by a laugh where Eunwoo even throws his head back. “Tsk, really, hyung...” 

MJ leans against the wall, noticing that he’s fully mirroring how Eunwoo is seated now. Eunwoo is watching Rocky intently, a small smile on his lips. MJ thinks he knows that expression: simple admiration, a quiet acceptance that they won’t reach that level of skill so they just sit back and admire Rocky’s talent for what it is. 

And it's just cool, seeing Rocky in his element, to see the look of concentration and determination on his face as he propels his body from one movement to the next.

Eunwoo wipes delicately at the sweat on his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt, mouth slightly open. MJ grabs his phone and takes a picture, thinking of how many fans would envy his position, how he can just take a picture of Eunwoo because he feels like capturing his look.

He thumbs through his album to view the photo. It doesn’t come out very good, the yellow light making the picture look grainy. It’s a pity, how his camera can’t quite capture how _good_ Eunwoo looks at that moment.

“I know,” he wants to say, looking at the Eunwoo on his screen, the yellow light making him look lonely. "I know you hated being here,” and, “I’m sorry...” 

Guilt is souring in the pit of his stomach; he wants to say sorry, that he was so vindictive before, but also apologize for not being good at giving comfort. He’s sorry that he’s only learning how to be better at it now. He thought people appreciated privacy over being comforted, because he thought he wanted them to look the other way when he cried. It’s only with Astro that he’s learning to accept others’ concerns. But giving comfort is the other side of being able to open up that he’s just now also becoming familiar with.

Maybe if he told Eunwoo that, he out of all the members would understand the most. Eunwoo’s the type to try to handle hardships by himself, too, only sharing with the other members after the hard time has passed. MJ remembers the first time he felt bad for Eunwoo, the time from when he started viewing him differently. 

It was three months before their debut. The company was pushing them harder than ever and everyone was stressed because no one’s place was secure in the group. They’d just had dance practice, and had gotten feedback again for their dancing. After, Jinjin gathered everyone to play games. Eunwoo had excused himself, claiming he didn’t feel well. MJ knew Eunwoo locked himself in the bathroom, because MJ could feel his stomach churning shortly after and his favorite bathroom was locked and everyone else but Eunwoo was in the backyard. 

He was about to knock when he heard the sound of English dialogue, the sad background music. He huffed, pissed, was just about to unleash hell for having to clench back his diarrhea for a movie. Then he heard it, the muffled sniffles. 

Later, he found Eunwoo’s review of what must have been the movie he was watching locked up in MJ’s favorite bathroom. Eunwoo admitted as much in the article: of how he watched that movie in the bathroom to fill up the loneliness and homesickness from being away from his parents and younger brother.

“Come on, hyung,” Eunwoo says, pushing himself up from the floor and making his way to the middle of the studio to match Rocky’s dancing again. He feels something unfurling in his chest, watching Eunwoo dance now, warming him more than exercising did. 

MJ wonders if Eunwoo thinks it’s worth it, all that time they spent suffering as trainees, now that his hard work is showing results. There are traces of Eunwoo’s signature shyness in the restrained way he’s swaying his body, but his movements are more fluid now. He’s even singing along to the words instead of counting under his breath like he used to. 

Idols are not like other celebrities. They don’t have yes-people, they have people who criticize and squeeze every effort out of them. They must maintain a perfect facade, even if they’re struggling underneath. MJ knows that even without the criticisms, Eunwoo would push himself to meet these ideals as the perfectionist he is. 

He’d once overheard Eunwoo’s parents talking, some time after their debut. “I’m scared,” he’d heard Eunwoo’s mom say, “that this industry will eat my son alive.”

“You don’t have to worry,” MJ wants to tell her, if he could travel back in time, “our Eunwoo is stronger than you think, he even reads hate comments without blinking.”

Eunwoo must have read all of them, all of the comments making fun of his dancing, and yet he’s dragged himself to practice enough to look as good dancing as he does now. 

He’s brave, MJ thinks, braver than me.

“Come on, MJ-hyung,” Eunwoo calls, grinning.

“No, you guys dance, I’ll just watch,” he calls back, exaggerating his breathing to let them know he’s actually exerted himself.

“You’ll just feel more tired the more you sit,” Eunwoo says warningly.

“No, I’ll feel more tired the more I move,” he says, shaking his head. Eunwoo is the smartest member in some ways, but he sure likes to come up with unfounded statements like that.

“It’s true!” Eunwoo laughs. “Come on, just this last dance.”

MJ is dragging himself up before he’s even aware he’s doing it. “You hear my joints creaking? I’m doing this for you, Eunwoo-ya.”

Eunwoo laughs again.

MJ finds that he actually means what he said, but that’s how he can get away with saying things like that out loud, by joking about it.

They’re all grinning at each other when they jump into the finishing pose. Rocky and Eunwoo pound fists with each other, then laugh when MJ joins in and does it awkwardly.

“It’s like this, hyung,” Eunwoo says, holding MJ’s wrist delicately, surely unaware of the effect of his fingers on MJ. 

MJ swallows, thinking of how he can get away with embarrassing himself - joke loudly about how much he likes Eunwoo and about not knowing how to fistbump properly, because he can stand to be the butt of the joke. He thought it was freeing, this happy virus persona he’d taken on, because of things like that. But it sometimes feels stifling too, the expectation to always keep up the happy, joking mood; how it feels like he’s not always taken seriously. 

How would Eunwoo feel, if he said those things sincerely? MJ wonders, feeling like he’s momentarily struck dumb by the sight of Eunwoo in the yellow lights of the studio, his face pink and hair sticking up with sweat, grinning proudly. MJ yells excitedly at him to “just stay like that, Eunwoo-ya, don’t move a muscle!” 

He runs to get his phone to take another picture, but is disappointed again when he sees that it can still only capture a grainy approximation of the wonder of this moment. 

Rocky stays in the dance studio, claiming he’s inspired to build up the next steps to a choreography he’s working on.

Eunwoo and MJ are more than happy to leave him to his work, take separate showers - at Eunwoo's insistence, and then leave. Eunwoo has great physique, but he’s shy about undressing in front of others. MJ isn’t sure if he would be up for showering in front of Eunwoo either. It’s something MJ doesn’t want to think about, Eunwoo and showers. Eunwoo _in_ showers. 

Or rather, it’s something he wants to think a little too much about. 

“Hey, hyung, want some ice-cream? My treat,” Eunwoo says, hiking up his workout bag. It’s another free bag he’d gotten from his endorsement deals. MJ doesn’t have to wonder why companies love showering him with gifts, he makes everything look good, everything suits him. MJ's not complaining- he had shamelessly claimed some of those freebies himself.

“You only have to say it’s free, you know, and I’m in,” he says.

They walk a block back to the dorms where MJ takes out his laptop while Eunwoo asks one of the staff members to do the shopping for him. Eunwoo has become so famous that even going out on errands has become a hassle, photographers and fans following him everywhere. Even MJ has to wear a face mask when walking out nowadays, and it takes him forever to get to the supermarket, but for Eunwoo, it must be even more demanding.

“I asked Staff-nim to get us mint chocolate ice-cream, you like that flavor too, right?”

“Who doesn’t?” MJ says, warmed. Eunwoo is the type to remember all the members’ favorite ice-cream.

They watch videos together on MJ’s laptop while waiting for the ice-cream. Some of the videos are from a type of Dear Abby program MJ and Sanha had filmed over the summer. 

“You guys were good hosts,” Eunwoo says. “You guys made it fun while still being sympathetic to the embarrassing stories.”

“Thank you,” MJ says, racking his brain for something funny to say.

Eunwoo smiles and MJ relaxes against him, thinking maybe he doesn’t need to. MJ doesn’t even know why he’s so nervous. 

He and Eunwoo weren’t close enough to do things like this before, leaning against each other while watching videos together on the couch. MJ hates watching videos of himself sometimes but Eunwoo watches his own videos regularly. From Eunwoo’s comments, MJ knows it’s not just self-love, a lot of it is self-criticism.

The door opens and they both turn in anticipation, but it’s just Bin, hair wet and face pink, holding onto his coat. 

“Hey, what was that,” Bin calls out, adopting a scolding tone, “why do you guys look disappointed to see me?”

MJ and Eunwoo laugh, Eunwoo’s eyes shining. “Sorry, we thought you were ice-cream.”

“Don’t misunderstand us,” MJ says, holding his hands up in faux surrender. He looks at Bin’s muscles, they look to have doubled in size overnight again.

“It’s because we thought you were ice-cream,” Eunwoo says, stretching and rubbing at his stomach. Another Eunwoo thing, MJ thinks, how he repeats jokes or phrases he says that he thinks are funny.

“What, ice-cream? Watch what you’re saying to me,” Bin says. The scolding, disappointed father act really suits Bin, especially because there’s an underlying sweetness that makes it endearing rather than scary. It’s an act that MJ can’t really master. 

Bin goes over to look over their shoulders at what they’re watching. He places a hand on Eunwoo’s shoulder and then hugs MJ from the back. “My child,” he says.

Eunwoo laughs, even though this is something they’ve joked about a hundred times before. Bin sits next to MJ, looking pleased. Bin is leaning against MJ’s arm, but somehow the simple way Bin’s hand lingered on Eunwoo’s shoulder felt more intimate.

“Where were you?” Eunwoo says, reaching an arm behind MJ to poke at Bin. 

Eunwoo is sitting differently now, body angled towards MJ and Bin. MJ thought he had this kind of closeness with Jinjin, but it’s different, the way Eunwoo and Bin physically respond to each other.

“Just went biking around the park, then stopped by the dance studio to talk with Rocky,” Bin says.

“Oh, we were just there,” MJ says, feeling a little victorious at being able to tell Bin this.

“You were?” Bin asks Eunwoo, both eyebrows raised, also reaching over MJ to poke at him.

“Yes... Sorry, I didn’t find you earlier,” Eunwoo says, leaning his head back to smile sweetly at Bin. “I wanted to ask you to come with us.”

“Go with me next time.”

MJ clears his throat. He’s reminded why he used to not like hanging out with just Bin and Eunwoo. They’re usually good at including others and MJ is usually good at interjecting himself, but they have a way of making you feel they’re in their own bubble. 

He keeps his eyes on the screen, where the next video on the auto playlist is an Astro interview from a year ago. 

“Oh I remember this,” Eunwoo says, leaning forward. “Jinjin-hyung wasn’t feeling well here, but you can barely tell.”

“It was really hot that day yet we’re all wearing sweaters,” Bin laughs, pointing at the screen.

“I wish we could get new questions at interviews,” MJ says, after the interviewer asks them what their ideal type is. He’s pleasantly surprised at how well he schools his face on screen.

“Yeah, we always get the same questions, like who do you want to trade bodies with, who would you want to date among your group members...” Eunwoo says.

“Answer to both of them: Eunwoo...” MJ says.

“Why?” Bin says, almost challengingly.

“Because I like Eunwoo,” MJ says, heart thudding, choosing to look at Bin's strict face instead of Eunwoo. He makes sure to say it with a swing to his tone; there are times he’s not ready to be taken seriously after all.

Eunwoo snorts. “Imagine if you could do both, then you’d be dating yourself.”

“Do _you_ want to date yourself?” MJ says.

“No, I would want to date Jinjin-hyung,” Eunwoo laughs, throwing his head back.

Bin snorts, rubbing at his neck.

“How about changing your answer to me next time,” MJ says.

“Why?” Bin asks sharply again.

“What’s up with you today?” MJ says loudly, “I want Eunwoo to compliment me in an immortalized interview, is that so bad?” 

Eunwoo laughs and Bin breaks into a slight smile. 

“You can just ask him!” Bin says.

“MJ-hyung is great at being loud,” Eunwoo says, making Bin laugh and clap delightedly.

“No,” MJ protests, pulling at Eunwoo’s arm, “Compliment me on my good looks, my kind personality, something like that!”

“Your what?” Eunwoo says, furrowing his brows innocently. 

“You asked him to compliment you, not to lie for you,” Bin says.

MJ can’t think of a comeback, but is saved when someone knocks sharply at the door.

“Eunwoo-ya,” someone calls from outside and Eunwoo jumps, running like he’s constipated to open up the door.

MJ wants to laugh watching him, tries to remember the last time he felt this degree of fondness. He turns to pause the video and finds Bin staring at him.

“What?” He says, heartbeat picking up.

“Nothing,” Bin shrugs. “What flavor you guys got?”

“Mint chocolate,” MJ says, nerves calming. 

“Oh, good, you guys got my favorite,” Bin says, jumping up to help Eunwoo at the kitchen. 

MJ stirs the spoon in his now empty bowl. Mint chocolate, his and _Bin's_ favorite flavor. Eunwoo likes it too, but his favorite is banana with vanilla. He’s the opposite of Eunwoo when it comes to these things, Eunwoo _studies_ details like this about people he meets. MJ always tries to remember details like that organically, but he always ends up forgetting.

Eunwoo chose that ice-cream flavor for him, MJ thinks over Sanha’s shrieks from the laptop, since they were the ones who practiced the new choreography together with Rocky and he was the one Eunwoo had asked to eat ice-cream with.

They’d ended up watching older Astro Ddoca videos, after Bin claimed it’s been some time since they’d watched those videos. After the second Ddoca, Rocky came home and waved off the temptation of ice-cream before getting ready straight for bed.

MJ had been hoping Bin would follow Rocky's lead and leave the earliest, but it’s Eunwoo who yawned hugely three times and then declared himself too tired, taking his bowl and spoon with him to the kitchen before disappearing into the shared bathroom.

MJ wants to excuse himself, too, eyes close to giving in to sleep, but Bin keeps insisting he wants to finish watching the Ddoca currently playing and MJ is worried to leave his laptop alone with Bin. He’s not normally embarrassed of things he has bookmarked or visited, no matter how inappropriate or private, but he may have been visiting too many Cha Eunwoo fansites lately.

He tells himself he's just keeping his eye on general interest on individual Astro members. He’d visited some fansites of other members too, just to keep a fair balance, but he always ends up bookmarking more of Eunwoo's pictures and articles. He would be okay with leaving his laptop with any other member, Bin though, he notices things like that easily. 

They wave back when Eunwoo waves goodnight at them from the doorway of the bathroom and then pads down the hallway to his room. After a few minutes, MJ glances at his door again to catch the light being turned off.

They’re nearing the end of the video, where Jinjin is now chasing MJ with a water gun. Rocky is the one filming and he’s breathing harshly behind the camera as he runs after them. MJ remembers that day, remembers the softness of the grass, how he felt energized after being on stage. They had just finished their mini Asia tour and they were given a week off as a reward after filming that Ddoca. He remembers the happiness of playing with the members, running after them with filled up water guns, the soreness of his sides from laughing too much. He remembers the inexplicable emptiness that followed too, staring out the landscape on the train on his way home.

“Hyung,” Bin says, softly. 

MJ looks over at him. Bin has his head propped on his hand against the back rest of the sofa, the downturn of his mouth serious. “Do you like Eunwoo?”

“What?” MJ says, breath catching and he coughs at the leftover sweetness caught in the back of his throat. He was ready to crash in bed just a minute ago, but he’s suddenly feeling wide awake. “Bin-a! I was just joking, you know... Eunwoo, he’s-”

He has to admire Bin, for how straightforward and consistent he is. All of the comments, the looks, the questions the past few weeks have all amounted to this confrontation. 

“Eunwoo...” Bin says, standing up from the couch, facing MJ with the bowl clutched close to his stomach, “He’s not like that.” 

MJ can’t hear himself think over the pounding in his ears, but he thinks he says something like, “I know that, I didn’t say anything else. It's- I’m not-...”

“Don’t get hurt, hyung.” 

With that Bin turns on his heel, leaving MJ to the sound of his own laughter emitting from his laptop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to let me know what you think, about mistakes of any kind, inconsistencies, etc. I’m just watching Astro videos and writing whatever comes to mind. This fic has been taking a direction of its own now; I’m enjoying writing it so far :A
> 
> P.S. MJ’s bathroom references is bec he keeps mentioning bathroom habits in various videos lmao


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB! Rating of this fic changed from T to M. 
> 
> As usual, drop a line to let me know what you think or if you catch any mistakes/inconsistencies, etc. etc.

"You've just been here all this time?" a voice that MJ easily recognizes as Jinjin's says from behind him. After 5 years of living, traveling, and doing pretty much everything together all of the members can recognize each other by voice. But he knows the rise and fall of Jinjin's tone more intimately than the others from hushed late night conversations they used to have, back when they were roommates and had their beds shoved together.

"'Night, MJ," Jinjin never failed to end their conversations with, no matter how much he was already slipping into sleep. Behind the camera, honorifics and formality were dropped between the two of them. It's with Jinjin, MJ thinks definitely, that he feels he can be more himself. There was a short time where he looked at Jinjin and wondered, but a stronger sense of friendship nipped those feelings in the bud.

"Just needed some air," MJ says shortly. He's not lying, the four walls of the dorms had started to feel suffocating.

Jinjin shuffles next to MJ’s easel in his usual leisurely pace, the heels of his slippers brushing against the cement floor. He's brought a plate of food with him that he places on the small makeshift table for MJ's art supplies, next to MJ’s paints that are all mixed in varying shades of red and purple. "Why didn't you come down to dinner?"

In his peripheral vision, he can see Jinjin looking at him expectantly, but MJ keeps his eyes on the canvas, which is after three hours of work completely covered with haphazard and forceful strokes.

MJ knew it would either be Bin or Jinjin who would first climb up the steps to the roof to ask him why he's isolating himself from the others again. He's ready, he thinks, to face Bin but he feels relieved that it's Jinjin, who he knows won't press the issue and will wait patiently for him to open up instead.

Bin would have loudly and playfully pulled him out of his shell, and forcefully drag him to where the others are. Or maybe this time, he would have tried to talk to MJ seriously again, make him reassurances that he won't tell the others, that no one else knows. Or, the ugly possibility that MJ can't rule out, Bin would have told him that they'll have to tell someone.

Bin has never acted with malicious intentions. And MJ usually ends up grateful for the distraction that Bin provides, his loudness drowning out pessimistic thoughts, but he has to wrestle with himself to see Bin's recent actions in a good light. 

"Didn't feel like it," he says, swallowing the real reason at the tip of his tongue, words ready to fumble out like they instinctually do when he's with Jinjin. He was unable to sleep well last night, he doesn't want to admit, not with Bin's words echoing in his head like the warning Bin meant them to be. With Sanha and Rocky's soft snores filling their room, he tossed and turned, thinking of the other replies he could have come up with other than the stuttering reply he'd given. He could have gone with a sarcastic, "of course I'm in love with him, who isn't?" or a flippant, "I know I'm not, are you?"

With the right delivery, any of those would have kept Bin off his trail. Instead, his stuttering denial had made him look guilty as charged. Bin always teased him of being a horrible liar, something MJ always protested - he knows he's a good liar, he'd always been able to hide from them the most important things he wanted to. It was Bin's timing that had caught him off-guard.

He can't blame Bin for not giving him time to prepare though. MJ should have known that he would bring it up: from the serious expression Bin wore whenever MJ joked that he liked Eunwoo, like he was taking MJ's words at face value; or from how Bin would squeeze himself in between MJ and Eunwoo when MJ allowed himself to reach out to Eunwoo. MJ had first thought it was coincidental or just Bin's habit to attach himself to Eunwoo's side. Later, when the trend continued, he convinced himself that he was overthinking things. But now, it's clear his suspicions were not unfounded: Bin was his usual perceptive self and noticed his softness for Eunwoo. It makes his chest feel constricted, analyzing the many ways he'd been careless, of who else may have noticed... 

"Well, it does look pretty nice out here," Jinjin says, walking over to the railing to look out at the view of the city. "It was a good idea to go out here on the roof."

"Yeah, I just felt like being outside," MJ says. 

"Away from the rest of us?" Jinjin asks. He asks it with a casual tone, and he clearly makes an effort to look casual too, leaning against the railing on his elbows, a gentle wind brushing against his hair, but there's an attentiveness to the tilt of his head that has MJ on edge. He has to be careful with his answer to not alarm Jinjin which would lead to digging, which would lead to MJ slipping, which would lead to Bin getting involved and Jinjin knowing that--

MJ dreaded facing the others after Bin confronted him last night, as if everyone would immediately know what had happened between them. Aside from a prolonged look over the lunch table though, Bin hasn’t said or done anything. 

Yet, a small anxious voice says inside of him.

"No," MJ denies. "Not to get away from you guys. Just to be by myself," he faces Jinjin, forcing a smile, "There's a difference."

"I guess so," Jinjin says. He nods to MJ's painting, tilting his head to the side. "This one looks... anxious?"

MJ sighs. He knows what Jinjin’s doing; he's fishing. 

"Yeah," MJ says, "I guess I am a little anxious." 

"Of what?" 

"Thinking of the comeback," he says, giving a look at Jinjin to say, what else is there? It's not quite true; they'd known for months roughly when the next comeback would be, but it has yet to feel real to MJ, who is still settled nicely in a post-comeback reality from their All Night album. 

"Oh," Jinjin says, breathing out. "Don't worry, I think all of us are. But that's why it's even more important that you don't skip a meal. It's not going to help if you don't eat and then get sick. It's easier when you're stressed for this to happen..."

It's relief, he tells himself, it's relief that he's feeling right now, that Jinjin isn't able to pick up on what's really bothering him.

There was a time when Jinjin was the only one he could confide in about most of his insecurities. MJ tried to be that person for Jinjin too, but he never had the knack for words of comfort as Jinjin. They would share their worries about their family's expectations, their own expectations. MJ would tell him about his worries of not doing enough for the group, his insecurity that his talent is not enough for the recognition he dreamed of. Jinjin would worry about the standards of the industry, how the pressure of it would affect the younger members especially. 

MJ had slowly opened up to allow himself to burden Jinjin with boundless insecurities. But he had never dared to tell Jinjin about that one part of himself that's at the shadow of everything. 

Jinjin can be just as perceptive as Bin and he's never backed down from asking MJ directly whenever he thinks something's up - however this is one thing he's never brought up, which reassures MJ that he doesn’t even suspect anything.

It's funny, MJ thinks, how revealing some parts of yourself can make people feel secure in how much they already know about you.

He does breathe easier though, just having Jinjin next to him. He'd been so scared of facing the others after Bin talked to him last night, as if the label he'd been trying to avoid is stamped in big red letters on his forehead, but Jinjin approaching him like he normally does anchors him. Jinjin may not be able to help him cope with the true weight dragging him down, but he's grateful nonetheless.

"Leader-nim," he says, laughing a little, though letting his admiration show. He puts the brush down, some of the bristles flattened by the force with which he'd pressed them against the canvas. He has never really thought too much about it, how Jinjin grew from the quiet and carefree guy who had a big reponsibility placed on his shoulders to solemnly filling in the shoes he'd been placed in. It's been happening right before his eyes, but he can't say that he's been conscious of it.

"Yeah," Jinjin says, shrugging with mock arrogance, but which only makes MJ want to pat his friend on the shoulder and say he's earned the right to be that self-assured. 

"Well, I'm fine," MJ says, stretching, thinking that it should make him look more casual, "Thanks for checking up on me." 

"Good," Jinjin says, clapping his hands together, "Then, I'm going downstairs to take a shower... Oh, and Manager-nim told us to gather in, like, an hour. He's stopping by to go through the updated schedule for the next months until the comeback..."

"Okay, sure," MJ says.

"Don't forget to eat up," Jinjin says, pointing at the plate he'd left for MJ before shuffling toward the stairs. 

MJ looks at the plate Jinjin had brought him for the first time: wok noodles and side salad. MJ exhales through a smile when he notices: the bell peppers had been picked out and put in a small pile to the side. 

He takes out his phone. "Thanks for the food and for taking care of the bell peppers," he messages Jinjin, adding on a heart emoticon that can't even begin to express the reassurance he feels from their friendship.

The air in the kitchen where they’ve chosen to gather is humid; it's an uncharacteristically warm Spring evening. Across MJ, Sanha is fanning himself sullenly with a magazine with his face on the front cover. Eunwoo is sitting next to Sanha, staring unseeingly at the table like he usually does after being woken up from a nap.

Manager-nim has a calendar laid out on the table they're seated around, each of the members with their own cellphones out, ready to put events in their own calendars. It's twice as busy as their previous comeback, MJ notices right away, the company seemingly investing twice as much on the upcoming one.

"The company is going to be a little more hands-off for this album," Manager-nim says. "We're going to be working with our usual producers; but you guys can submit in lyrics, compositions, concept ideas... I talked to the director and she thinks you're ready to come up with the choreography for the music video as well..." 

Jinjin nudges MJ excitedly at that. MJ turns to flash him a smile that doesn't feel sincere.

Manager-nim is the same height as Jinjin and MJ. Eunwoo had once described Manager-nim as "super short," something that had made Jinjin look at him pseudo-threateningly. Eunwoo had only looked at him with laughter in his eyes and repeated his description. Jinjin had wrestled him and tickled him mercilessly for that. It was a scene that still arouses MJ's imagination and guides his hand to drift lower than his waistband in his weakest moments: Eunwoo shrieking in laughter, his neck exposed as Jinjin straddled him.

"Even the choreography? For the title song?" Rocky repeats, grinning widely. He's staring at Manager-nim unblinkingly, a sure sign of his excitement.

"Yes," Manager-nim says with an answering grin, "even the choreography for the title song."

The members all cheer, Bin doing a small dance in his chair and Eunwoo doing his soundless claps that has inspired many gifs on the internet.

"Okay, so for promotions... We have a lot lined up. There's the usual idol shows, game shows - MJ and Sanha are scheduled for most of those..." 

Sanha nods at MJ from across the table, a small smile bordering on a smirk on his face. When had he gotten so cool? MJ thinks, laughing a little under his breath.

"Jinjin and Rocky, we're going to be asking you guys to help out with the production of the album a lot, but we have also scheduled some promotions and interviews for you. Here you can see group schedules in purple, schedules for Jinjin in orange, and Rocky's in green."

"Eunwoo-hyung is yellow?" Rocky asks, mouth in a straight line.

They already know the answer before Manager-nim even confirms it. There's no other member who would have that much on their plate. Everyone's scheduled photo shoots, interviews, endorsements are scattered; all except for Eunwoo who has something practically every day the next upcoming months, some days where there are even three appointments marked with yellow.

"Ah yes," Manager-nim says, rubbing a little at his neck - it could be from the heat or embarassment. "I ran this by Eunwoo first... The company wants him to do another drama and solo fan meetings around Asia. We want him to help us promote the company and the group, but also test the interest in different countries for our next concerts..."

Manager-nim is divorced with three children, the oldest of which is just a little older than MJ. His youngest child is half MJ's age. Manager-nim had told them before that he thinks of them as his children because of this. In a lot of ways, he does act like a second dad. But they're not just as his children - as the artists he's managing, they can't be. Today, he's wearing an ASTRO shirt, a professional air to him as he warns them he's going to push them beyond their limits yet again.

MJ can’t help the ugly churn in his stomach as he studies Eunwoo, who is staring at the calendar unseeingly.

"I said yes, but... I wish we could promote as a group," Eunwoo says, smiling a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

Next to Eunwoo, Bin is biting his lip and leaning forward in his seat like he's ready to bolt after Eunwoo in the case he decides to walk off somewhere. Of course, none of them need to worry about that - aside from his weak attempts at Sanha's video games, Eunwoo has never quit anything. 

"Hyung," Rocky says, from Bin's other side, a note of worry in his voice.

They all remember the last time Eunwoo had an overwhelming schedule, during their tour in Indonesia, when instead of being happy about his solo opportunities, Eunwoo had broken down in tears. If there's one member who genuinely appreciates to be in a team the most, it's Eunwoo.

MJ remembers how he reacted when Eunwoo's many solo schedules at that time had been announced, the jealousy that made him treat Eunwoo a little coldly.

Let me come with him this time, MJ thinks now, staring at Manager-nim, willing his thoughts to reach him. Let me redeem myself; I’ll be as loud and obnoxious as needed to make him laugh. He won't even notice that he's tired. 

"Thank you for saying yes. You'll do really well, Eunwoo-ya," Jinjin says next to MJ, sympathetic but firm. "All of the members will be here to support you." 

Slowly, the other members follow his lead in nodding and offering words of encouragement. Manager-nim smiles gratefully at Jinjin for setting the tone.

"Fighting, Eunwoo-ya," MJ says, throat a little dry from not having talked for some time. "If you need a body-double just let me know."

Everyone laughs, but MJ only looks at the way Eunwoo's eyes shine as he does so, how the apprehension in them slips away a little.

"Yes, thank you Eunwoo, and thank you to the rest of you. Remember, even though we have planned a lot of individual schedules, you guys are a team," Manager-nim says, looking them all in the eye before gathering some of his stuff. "I hope we have a great year and comeback preparation. It will be busy, but we are hoping for great results... Everyone, please rest and make sure to take pictures of the calendar... I will let you know of any changes, okay?"

"Hyung," a voice behind him says. 

MJ sighs, takes his time to wipe the paintbrush he's holding. On the wall in front of him, what must be Bin's shadow is cast from where he's standing on the doorway of the bedroom MJ shares with Rocky and Sanha. He's ready for this, MJ reminds himself. He knew Bin would do this, again, the moment Bin thanked no to going with the others to get some late-night snacks, telling Eunwoo he just wanted to relax for the night.

He'd cast MJ a glance after answering which had MJ cursing inside his head; he didn't think Bin had heard him telling Jinjin that he'd go with them next time instead, that he had to go clean up his paintbrushes.

After the meeting, Sanha had walked around with a small smile on his face, humming to himself. Rocky had gone around telling anybody with ears that he already has great ideas for the choreography. Jinjin and Eunwoo had both been playful but subdued as they looked up things on their phones. And Bin, he'd trailed after Eunwoo, eyes soft and worried. It didn't seem like he had half a mind for anything or anyone else.

MJ relies on advice he'd gotten from Eunwoo once, about how to maintain a pokerface, and imagines himself as an impenetrable wall before he turns to face Bin. 

"Binnie," he says. He uses Bin's nickname to remind himself of the affection and many favors he owes Bin; the one most heavily weighing on MJ's conscience an incident from a secret vacation to the countryside.

Bin and MJ had been walking along a river when the sunset made MJ want to take a few pictures. MJ had asked Bin for his phone, since his own phone was full. 

"Get a new phone already, seriously," Bin had grumbled, even while he took it out of his pocket. "And your camera sucks so there's no reason to keep it."

Bin's phone was the latest model, an expensive one he'd gotten from a fansite of his, and MJ had accidentally slipped and dropped it in the coursing river.

If Bin had dropped MJ's phone, he would have thrown a tantrum. But Bin had just urgently told him to look for his phone first before they panic. They did eventually recover the phone, but none of the content could be recovered because of water damage. MJ had dreaded Bin's temper, apologized profusely, but Bin had just looked at him sadly, saying, "Don't worry about it. It was an accident, hyung." 

Bin should have known not to trust me with his things, MJ had thought guiltily, defending himself against accusations from within himself. After all, Bin was the one who kept remarking how clumsy MJ was. 

MJ had split the costs of a new phone with Eunwoo, forced to accept Eunwoo's offer with his tight budget. He'd still tried to stay clear from Bin for a while even after giving him the new phone, because Bin walked around the dorm like he was in mourning. 

"Binnie doesn't care for materialistic things, you know that. He's just devastated that all of his pictures and messages are gone," Eunwoo had told MJ. "Poor Bin... I've sent him all group pictures on my phone. Send him whatever is on yours too."

MJ learned from that experience how gracious and generous Bin could be, how he never held it against MJ, how he was the one to approach MJ later to say he wasn't mad at him.

"About last night," Bin says, arms crossed, "You know I don't care about that kind of thing, right?" 

"Kind of thing?"

"People can like whoever they like."

"Ah," MJ says, swallowing against the knot in his throat, the wild beating of his heart in his ears. There's no one else around, yet it feels like the whole world is listening in on their conversation, listening in on the first time it's ever been acknowledged out loud, "I said last night it's not like that."

"And I always said you're a bad liar," Bin counters before softening his stance, lowering his eyebrows and stepping closer. "You shouldn't hold things in, it only makes it worse."

"Well, what do you want me to let out?" MJ says, cursing the quiver in his voice, "You said it yourself, Eunwoo is not like that. So what else are you expecting to happen?"

Bin frowns. "I said that because I don't want you to get hurt..."

"Why would I get hurt? I was never expecting anything."

Bin drops his head with a curl to his lips, nodding as he reaches out to hold onto the doorknob. "That's good. You didn't make the same mistake as me..."

"What?"

Bin shrugs, lets his hand fall to his side with a self-deprecating smile. "Yeah."

"You mean, you're like that?" 

Bin shakes his head. "Not really, I mean, I don't know... It's just Eunwoo... Eunwoo has his own charm, doesn't he?"

MJ curls his hands into fists. Bin doesn't know anything, he'd thought resentfully to himself last night, he doesn't know anything about unrequited love and hopeless cases and getting hurt. 

"I really didn't mean to make you feel bad or anything, I just wanted you to be careful..." Bin says, scratching at his jaw.

"I'm older than you," MJ says, hearing the sharp tone in his voice, "You don't have to teach me how to be careful." 

"Sorry..." Bin says, bowing his head. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that."

"Are you going to tell anybody?"

Bin snorts, rubbing at the spot he'd been scratching. "I'm not a hypocrite, hyung."

MJ nods, blinking furiously to fight back tears. He knows he should feel relieved that there is someone who can kind of understand, but he only feels a hollowness in his chest and restless leftover energy strumming in his veins from gearing up for a fight that's no longer happening.

"Do you need a hug? Hugs always make people feel better." Bin asks him with one eyebrow raised, his light and joking tone letting MJ know he's ready to put this issue behind them. 

MJ presses a finger against the corner of his eye, willing tears to stay behind his eyelids.

"Come on," Bin says, making the decision for him, stepping forward to envelop MJ in a hug. 

MJ's arms automatically go around Bin, straining his neck even though Bin is already crouched a little. 

"How long?" he asks against Bin's shoulder. 

"I don't know," Bin says, after a pause that made MJ think he wasn't intending to answer, "A long time, hard to tell."

"Do you still...?" 

"Sometimes," Bin says, taking his time answering again.

Bin is warm and sturdy, and his arms are tight around MJ, but he's wrong - it doesn't really do anything to make MJ feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I had a hard time writing this chapter, but hopefully ASTRO will release a lot of videos soon, with SUBTITLES!  
\- I made changes to the first chapters (nothing to what happened, just wording etc). I haven't really been happy with the flow of this fic, but I think it's better now...  



End file.
